Tuesday, November 15, 2005

The Office Christmas Party

Apologies to those of you who have seen this. As an HR person specialising in diversity training, this is particularly pertinent to me.


December 1st TO:
ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit barbecue. There will be lots of spiked
eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to
light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done
at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis Human Resources Director

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December 2nd TO:
ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognise that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides
With Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who
are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no
Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis Human Resources Director

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December 3rd TO:
ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA
Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the
Gifts exchange -- no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that
$10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis Human Researchers Director

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December 7th TO:
ALL EMPLOYEES:
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from
The dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are
allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men;
each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the
gay men's table.

Happy now?
Patty Lewis Human Racehorses Director

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December 9th TO:
ALL EMPLOYEES:
People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to
Play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan,"
there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

Patty Lewis Human Rat Races

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December 10th TO:
ALL EMPLOYEES:
Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people! We're going to hold this
Party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the
table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get
salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes
have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Witch from Hell

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December 14th TO:
ALL EMPLOYEES:
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her
at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full
pay.

Terri Bishop Acting Human Resources Director
Posted by Zoozan :: 7:37 pm :: ---------------------------------------